Thursday, January 7, 2010

Dentally Unstable

Thanks, Anand, for being a person who always checks for new posts. This one's dedicated to (though not about) you. I thought I might write about my first dental session. Yeah I know I always come up with these weird topics to write about. My first dental session also happened to be a root canal session. Fancy word. For the patient, everything's the same, isn't it? Open your mouth wide and recline. Who knows what they do inside you?

So anyway, when I first went to the clinic, I had no idea who the doctor was. And as is the common expectation, the doctor made things easier for me the moment I stepped in, for, she (yeah, it was a she) was so pretty that my mouth automatically opened wide in amazement. She asked me to recline on the bed (the bed in the clinic) and open my mouth. Now, that was the trick question. My mouth was already open. If I had said something like "लेकिन मुंह तो खुल्ला ही है," that would have required me to close my mouth. ("m" is a labial sound, remember?) These dentists are smart, you bet. So not to be outdone, I didn't utter a single word. Anyway, "पिछले ज़माने में ख़ामोशी का मतलब हाँ होता था". Her mom would surely have told her that.

I had gone to the clinic with an excrutiating tooth ache, but the moment I saw the dentist (and she saw me), the pain was gone. I should prolly have returned home. I absolutely salute Mirza Ghalib saab, and I suspect he also must've gone for a dental treatment session before writing this:

उनके देखे से जो आ जाती है मुंह पर रौनक
वो समझते हैं कि बीमार का हाल अच्छा है

Unfortunately, the dentist wore a face mask. Sigh. Had she not worn that, there'd have been no need for the lights. That made me remember a conversation I had with a friend from my ex-to-ex-to-ex company. (seems so long ago!) There was a girl I liked. Once after she passed us, my friend said, "there's goes your 1000 Watt bulb." I said, "that's correct, but that bulb is at a 1000 Watts when it is not glowing."

Anyway, then the dentist started examining my teeth, and telling me her observations on them. It felt so good to get that kind of attention from a pretty girl. Also, her face was at 10 centimetres and hovering over mine. It still hovers like that sometimes in my dreams. And then, whenever she utters the words "suction," I snap back from my dream to reality.

Because the moment she called out "Suction!" in came another (barely) female who was a negative of the dentist. She had this long pipe in her hands that resembled a man's windpipe. She plonked that pipe into my mouth with seasoned carelessness. I have no idea what that thing is meant for (apart from diverting the patient's attention so that he does not ogle too much at the dentist). It makes a funny noise, just the way a water tap sounds when there's no water. Uh well, I hope you know what I mean. Yeah so this pipe, it kept on playing with my teeth and tongue and gums and whatever else it found inside my mouth, and after a while my mouth seemed to have adopted it.

So by this time, my dentist was all prepared with her weapons: her numbing injection and her drill machine and all that. Fancy stuff to keep a patient from "becoming too friendly" and to keep his "other" teeth under control, if you know which teeth I'm talking about.

By this time my mouth was beginning to pain. It had never been open for so long in my entire life. Why don't they have an arrangement similar to how they hold up the bonnet of a car using a lever or whatever when they are examining the engine? Anyway, she did let me close my mouth at times to "gargle." That's the sophisticated term for "spitting out the water in your mouth."

She would talk about my teeth with the aunty-climactic female with the pipe in terms of numbers. Mom never told me my teeth had numbers. That's unfair.

Well, so the session continued with the dentist drilling into my teeth and plonking some needle into my teeth and later putting "silver" and all kinda stuff. I'm going to start eating सोना चांदी च्यवनप्राश to reinforce it.

The pipe woman (the one with the suction pipe) chatted away animatedly with another assistant of the dentist who would take instructions like putting some machine on and stuff like that. The conversation went like this "ए तो प्रशांत आहे ना...कुठला गं? तो तुझ्या society मधला? अगं नाही गं, तो सविताचा भाऊ नाही का बुटका कुठला...अच्छा तो काय...हो..तो मेला कसा बघत होता माहित आहे त्या दिवशी..." all this with the pipe plonked into my mouth, which barely missed getting into my throat thrice. Anyway, I feel for this Prashant fellow (for the surely incorrect allegations) because no one, mark my words, no one, would ever be interested in looking at the pipe woman.

Well, surprisingly, half way through the session, the dentist suddenly developed a soft corner for me. She must probably have seen glimpses of my (golden and pure and all that) heart down through my throat.

Once toward the end of the session, the second assistant tilted the light that looms over the bed in such a way that it burned brightly right in my eyes. I suddenly felt as if I was in a police station with the "3rd degree" yellow bulb lit over me. Had my mouth not been open, I'd have confessed all my crimes.

Finally, after the session was over, I left the clinic feeling happy and straight. Thank God for the paining tooth. No pain, no gain.


rohan said...

Good One ....I really like to read your post :)

Parikshit said...

sweet jesus mother of god! the conversation between the "Pipe Woman" and the other woman was absolutely priceless.

believe me I literally laughed my ass out on "in came another (barely) female who was a negative of the dentist" and "Mom never told me my teeth had numbers. That's unfair."

BTW the dentist which you are talking about, is the one in Louiswadi i.e.: Dr. Bhoomika Betharia and her assistant Dr. some Joshi if I am not mistaken? Correct me if I am wrong.

Mohit said...

Thank you, Rohan :) Hoping to meet you soon :)

Mohit said...

Thanks Pari :)) Well, ahem...lemme meet you; then I'll think about telling you which this dentist was :) I said "think about" because of the following Mirza Ghalib sher:

ज़िक्र उस परीवश का और फिर बयाँ अपना
बन गया रक़ीब आख़िर था जो राज़दां अपना

which basically means that I had a great friend with whom I'd share all my secrets (in this case, that's Parikshit), and once I happened to mention to him about a girl, and then the way I described her, he no longer remained my friend, but fell in love with her himself, thus becoming my rival-in-love :))

Laxmi Salgaonkar said...

kuthla dentist hota? i am damn know why na...

Mohit said...

Laxmi Tai, dentist hota nahi, hoti. And why are you curious? I don't seem to be able to figure out...

Mohit said...

Laxmi Tai, tell ,tell...