Monday, May 24, 2010

Do mastaane chale zindagi banane...

All right, here's goes a fictionalized account of my onsite visit. The images are from the movie Andaz Apna Apna.

Watch the image first, and then read the text underneath.

At the Seattle airport baggage checkout.

Paaji: This project is going to be AWESOMENESS! Look on my work ye mighty and despair!
Mohit: Yo baby, I'm in America! Belgaon to Bellevue! Wooh! Yo mama! {pride dripping from face}


In the Homestead hotel room.

Mohit: Baba, lagiiiiin! Dhinchak dhichak, dhinchak dichak, dhinchak dhichak!

Paaji: Oye manne duur duur tak phirke dekhya, oye!


Dreaming about pretty co-vendors in the project...

Paaji: (whispering) Laal waali meri!

Mohit: {speechless} {gasping} {mouth agape} {saliva dripping}

Dream over. Enter Gogo C.M. (work coordinator from offshore)

Paaji: {Hitting Mohit with elbow} (Whispering) Close your mouth. We are not dreaming of pretty vendors any more.

Gogo C.M.: There's your office. Go meet the chief, and start work immediately. I want 700% productivity everyday. I may not meet you often, but remember I'll be watching every step of you guys. Every mistake will lead to an escalation to the next higher level. I'm sheer AWESOMENESS at escalation.

Mohit: {Gulp}

First meeting with chief.

Chief: I have put my heart into this project...

Paaji: (thinking) wow...

Chief: And now I can't find it.

Mohit (thinking) what!

Chief: Anyway, right after this meeting, you are to meet your SCRUM team members...

Mohit and Paaji: (thinking) SCRUM team members! Slurp! We're ready to give away our hearts too!

KLPD

Mohit and Paaji: (thinking) Are *these* our SCRUM team members!? Looks like they are products of software courses in Ameerpet, inaugral batch. I wish there were boards outside saying "Hawkers and vendors not allowed." But then even we wouldn't be let in.

One month later. Mohit showing chief his documentation plan.

Mohit: Chief, just look at the plan. This project will be known in the world for its documentation. People will buy the documentation first, whereby they'll get the software product out of the box.

Chief: You fool! This is the script of Sleepless in Seattle. Is that what you've planned for the team?

Mohit: (thinking) Oops, wrong prints. Too much whiskey at night...


Chief: (thinking) 10,000 deke aadmi bulaya tha, aqqal 10 Paise ki bhi nahin hai...

Chief: When I turn around, you should've disappeared, and I should see the test guy instead of you. Ask him to get his plaaaaaan with him.

Chief: (thinking) {Sigh} What beautiful test plan. For testing PATIENCE! He's beginning with a smoke test. Goodness. Anyway, let's see how he executes it.

SMOKE.


Status call with offshore.

Mohit: Sir, Paaji's team performed a smoke test!

Offshore: What was the end result?

Mohit: It ended in smoke!

Offshore: (thinking) SUCCESS!!!

Mohit: Next, he'll be demonstrating his new tool used to troubleshoot using blackbox testing!

Offshore: (thinking) SUPERHIT! 100 90 DAYS!


One month later. Demo of the new tool.

Chief: So you created a gun for shooting trouble?! AWESOME! Lemme try it!


Chief: Mark idhar hai...

Chief: I washed my face with everything known to my step-granny. And yet this scar won't go...

One month later. The solution!

Mohit: Chief, we found the solution to the scar! Here's a concoction available on Craigslist! Comes for just $8535.29 after the discount!

Chief: (thinking) These guys were on to Craigslist in office for a month!?

Chief talking with offshore.

Chief: I'm ready to pay you double the amount to get these guys out of here than I paid to get them here.

Offshore: What happened?

Chief: They made me buy a scar remover from Craigslist. I used it blindly.

Offshore: What scar remover did they recommend?

Chief: Hammer and Arm Oxy Clean...

Offshore: (thinking) Good work, boys!

Chief: ...it's used to vaporize sulphuric acid.

Offshore: @(^&#$%

Mob outside the Gates's office office's gate.

Paaji: What happened?

Mob: For the first time in history, there are cops inside this office!

Chief: Gogo C.M., why did you call the cops?

Gogo C.M.: These guys made so many blunders in the project. We have such a small company back in offshore that I didn't have anyone left to escalate matters to after their fourth mistake. But as you'd know, I'm AWESOMENESS at escalating. So not to be undone, I dialled 911. I'm sure I've identified the correct escalation point. They'll make strict enforcements and get this project out of the Windows window peril.

Chief: What has this project made of me! I looked like this until 6 months back!

Mohit and Paaji walking back to India.

14 comments:

Ashok Sharma said...

Clever and funny script. Waisey mere plan ki mutabik...

Mohit said...

Fittingly, Paaji is the first to comment :) Thanks, man :) Tere hi plan ke mutabik sab chalta hai, dost. "Everything is planned."

Mayur said...

A very good read :). Onsite and offshore is a mystery always. (Leaning on the chair and saying) "Aadmi sochta kuch hain aur hota kuch hain... hain!"

Mohit said...

Aptly put, Mayur :) And so glad to hear from you!! Hope you are doing great :)

Pratik said...

Portrayed in a good way too many AWESOMEness :-)

Mohit said...

Too many thanks, Pratik :)

UB said...

Sheer AWESOMENESS at narration Mohit. With technical writing that matches this, (salivating) customers are sure to buy documentation and ignore the installs!

Mohit said...

Uday sir! I'm floored by your comments :) And "salivating" customers...LOL :))

Hiren Barbhaya said...

Hey Mohit,

Superb!!!

Your imagination and writing capabilities are truly amazing.

Mohit said...

Thank you, Hiren bhai! It's wonderful to hear from you. Do keep in touch :)

Ajith said...

MOHIT-PAAJI: naam sunte hi pata lag gaya tha ki tum dono ek number ke filmy ho ... par yeah pata nahi tha technical writing ke naam pe Onsite aake inte ache blogs bhi likh sakte ho.

Mohit said...

Lol, Ajith, jabse aaya hoon, Amar Prem, Amar Prem. Mere baare mein toh koi poochhta hi nahin hai!

Aficionado said...

Mogembo Khush hua..!! At the end of delivery.. Project Manager should say so

Mohit said...

Thanks, Bhavik :)